What it’s Like Having a Baby AND Tweenagers in your late 30’s

*For adults only due to sensitive language.

It’s injuring your knee in the shower while putting on a full-fledged Wiggles production for your baby, who is looking at you with a pensive I-will-SCREAM-if-you-stop glare, then thinking, “I’m waaaaaaaay too old for this shit.”

It’s looking more like the grandma than the Au Pair at the park with your kids.

It’s finally having money then realizing you’ll be living in a van down by the river after paying for travel ball, diapers, and college.

It’s looking at moms in their twenties, shaking your head and saying, “Kids these days…”

It’s looking in the mirror and screaming, “HOLY SHIT!!!”

It’s planning a diet and exercise program then realizing the only cover you have a shot at is National Geographic.

It’s forgetting a few things and instead of blaming it on mom-brain, thinking this could *legit* be the start of Alzheimer’s.

It’s walking the aisles of Costco wondering if people even wear deodorant anymore, then realizing it’s you.

It’s drinking cold coffee and looking like a hot mess.

It’s loosely defining a shower.

It’s being just organized enough to schedule your own nervous breakdowns.

It’s blowing out the minivan speakers when Warren G “Regulate” comes on.

It’s having more kids than arms.

It’s asking for a Life Alert necklace for Christmas.

It’s varsity-level panic attacks.

It’s forgetting your middle child’s middle name.

It’s breaking a hip sleeping.

It’s taking off your pants and looking like a cylinder of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls opening.

It’s GIRLS’ NIGHT OUT!!! Just kidding, it’s hiding from your flock of children in the basement with a Tito’s and tonic and Googling your weird medical symptoms.

It’s not being a spring chicken anymore.

It’s wine stains on every page of Goodnight Moon.

It’s realizing your dreams are dead because you’ll never sleep again.

It’s only buying clothes where you can also buy groceries, diapers, and alcohol.

It’s MORE FUN THAN A BARREL OF MONKEYS or dealing with teething and puberty at the same time…

It’s calling your kids by their first initial because it’s endearing and also because you forgot their full name.

It’s four-day-old crusty mascara.

It’s crying so hard you start laughing, then crying again because you peed your pants.

It’s legitimately forgetting how old you are.

It’s defining cardio as running as fast as you can away from the PTA volunteer table.

It’s thinking about signing up to be the lead party planner for the classroom then promptly making an appointment with a psychiatrist.

Can you relate? If you laughed, please share! Comment below–I’d love to hear your additions!